If reincarnation is true, I know what I DON’T want to come back as

Ever since I was a little boy, I always wondered whether or not reincarnation was a reality. Of course, I went to church – and still do – and was told that such belief is contrary to my Christian teachings. However, research shows that there are many religions throughout the world that believe that, upon death, a human being will “come back,” either as another human or as an animal.

I often thought that the idea of being “reborn” as another individual has its merits. Why waste a good soul after the body has served its purpose was one of those thoughts that went through my head in my youth. The idea of being reincarnated as an animal didn’t take top priority but now that I’m pondering the topic, I know that I don’t want to “return” as either one of these two: a cockroach or a gator.

Of all of God’s creatures, those are two that I can certifiably say that I detest. Regarding the disgusting insect, I just don’t see its purpose. Yes, I know that it is a part of nature’s “waste cycle,” living up to its duty each and every day of its existence. However, I wish the little “buggers” would just disappear from the face of the earth or, at least, relocate to other parts of the country.

I remember once, years ago at school, I was trying to reach a box that was resting on a shelf high above my head. I pulled the box toward me and, unknown to me, I was inching a dead roach closer, little by little. When it reached the end, gravity took its toll and the creepy crawly fell “dead” into my eye. I uttered an “expletive” and a student of mine happened to have been in the vicinity and he said, “Oooh, Mr. Garrard, I heard you!” I told him that if a roach had fallen into your eye, you’d utter the same four-letter creation.

Of course, that story is just one of many that can be shared by anyone who lives in the South. Thus, I’m sure that I am not alone in hoping that another “life” will not be as a roach.

As far as the gator is concerned, I am terrified of them, regardless of whether they are in my physical presence or even on film and in a book. When I was a kid, we had an animal book in our home library and on one of the pages was an illustration of a prehistoric alligator, predicted to have been over fifty feet long. I had to turn quickly from that page every time I picked up the book.

I had to sum up all the courage that I could when we took our students to the Okefenokee Swamp about twenty years ago. We took that cruise down the swamp and a gator decided to play “tag” with our boat, coming up on the underside and giving us a little “nudge.” That was another instance where yours truly almost uttered a wash-my-mouth-out-with-soap word or two.

Years, later, I don’t know why I went to see “Lake Placid” when it hit the theaters. I thought it might help me get over my “alligator-phobia” but it didn’t. The scene wherein the alligator leapt from the lake and gobbled up a ten-foot bear scared the” you-know-what” out of me.

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking on a friend’s Facebook page and I saw where she had posted some brave golfers videoing two alligators fighting on the course. I can’t believe these guys getting so close to film the battling reptiles. The caption on the video said, “This is how we roll in the South.”

Well, this ain’t how this Southerner rolls.

As I said before, reincarnation is not a part of my Christian upbringing but inasmuch as we really don’t know what the “afterlife” has for us, it’s one thing to ponder, even if in a lighthearted manner.

But, as I said, I don’t want to return as a night-crawling insect scurrying to hide when someone turns on the kitchen light or an animal that is great material for a handbag or a pair of shoes.

I think I’d rather come back as the AFLAC duck.

At least, I’d have job security.